2017, Many, Many, Many things happened since 2013, right ? I guess this is the saddest part of your life i'm i right Fernando ? (Yes you are) why it seems that you only come back whenever you feel like reach a new kind of low ? When you feel soo down and sow sad that you can't even talk to some one ? I guess i like to post to the internet i know no one besides me will ever see this but i guess the thought that some one could actually see this makes talk about what's happening more plausible, if there's anyone there reading this you've seeing the worst of my life and know me better than no one at this point, send me a hello on my email: fefepe1@hotmail.com, what am i doing ? Hahahah asking literally no one to talk to me hahah i'm probably going insane at this point.
Ok let's make a quick review with your 22 years old eyes on the things that had happen what is happening and what probably never will happen,
2013: you were in love, mad love, but you didn't knew because you never ever have loved, not for real, not like that, when you discovery it was too late, you lost her and, you got over, but not really, you stoped thinking about here but some times you still think if you two could be together again and how it would be, would work out ?
You finally fished your school, you were pretty sad actually deep down you (and every one on the school knew) that the bounds would be over from that point on, maybe not in a month maybe not in two but the would and guess what ? 2017 they are over, you don't talk to no one, not anymore, the most you can say it's near contact it's some likes and share's of facebook memes that you share from her, 90% it's you that like and share, pretty sad, well she post really good memes (come on we both know that we never really got over).
2014: your dad pressure you to go to a college because "it was his duty to get you in a college" even if you wanted to go to a (i don't actually know how to translate this) cursinho da poli, to get to a usp or other good college, you kinda accepted it was free right ? Why not ? The student is that really makes the university not the contrary right ? Yea you let him fuck you just to "easy his mind" that he got you a college if you didn't finished or did shit it's not his problem" it's YOURS.
Well yay Welcome to 2017 where you don't know what do you want to do with your life because he rushed you to get into the "free college" and you didn't get enough time to actually think, and now you have R$38.600.00 debt with the government and didn't even finished the 2nd of 5 years in college :D
2014 2nd semester
You met a another student on your "free college" he was a teacher on a free english course that the university gave he invite you to help him, you helped him for a year you leaned a LOT of english with him, he said that he lived 41 years on england i don't fully believe him to this day but i never actually confirm that he was not sooo, i just went with it, he asked you to give lessons to his daughter, she lived in mogi das cruses you had to make a 2 hours ( or 3 i really don't remember) 3 days in a week and in the other 2 you gave lessons to a TI professor on the college, it was all beautiful you was doing something that you were really liking and would be payed for that, and even got your drive license, of course for you nothing it's that easy, no matter how effort you put into it seems like everything that you do it's faded to be a complete failure, you gave lessons for 3 months i guess (?) You never really got your drive license, you never really got paid, he took your father to a hypinologist
With all the things your father did just to easy his mind and fuck your life as a hole you still tried to help him... You are a complete retard, furthermore maybe just maybe if you didn't asked for him to help your father maybe you would receive money and would be motivated to continue the classes and maybe have some future you ARE a retard, why do you let you family keep fucking you over and over and over? Family it's the worst thing that can happen to a human being...
2015: you already lost you passion to be a professor that you got on the begining and middle of 2014 that seemed like a light in the end of the tunnel for a reason to live but it was crushed with deception, 2015 arrive and you realised that, that "free college" was bullshit and the college didn't even had recognition from government and if you finished your studies there you would be fucked, and then you changed to unip and found a job, perfect every thing seems it's going to be ok now right ? Wrong.
You start to work and go to the college they threw you back at the 1st year you kept going worked as hard as you could always bother everyone to see if they need help learned everything you could and you started to have more job ppl left the company as some of they did the amount of things you had to do kept increasing you started to end needed to stay late and begun lose some classes even when you could arrive at time in college you didn't go at all because your job was making you too tired and for that you just lost a hole year, fast forward to 2017 and...
2017: you have been fired, yep you are unemployed, why ? Well the company owner thought it would be better to hire a daughter friend's and fire me because fuck reasons, and now you can't stop blame you for not imposing that they hired you, well thinking that way helps you not to be sick with that corporate bulshit, you were really liking working at that company you didn't cared to do overshift (?) And not get paid because you really liked, fuck you even refused to work as IBM to just keep there, fuck me fuck this life, well i guess it's a lesson to learn, when everything seemed that was going to the right place... Boom for the second time it all went down the drain as fastest as water can be i lost the sight of light on the end of the tunnel again, for the fuck sakes every time, now i'm so afraid to take the fucking next step fkr the fuckin hell I'm almost sure that if i take another rout if i find another thing that i like something will screw everything again, and plus to that i don't know to where i must take the next step, and this is fucking consuming me, I AM afraid to take the next step i'm not 18 years anymore i can't keep making mistakes i can't lose more years of my life, i need (?) To decide what i want to do every single day for the rest of my life, how am i supposed to choose this now ?
Resume of how your life is now and how you think it will be:
Unemployed, literally have no goals in life no objectives in life, at this point my life have literally no meaning, i could die now and i guess it wouldn't make any difference i don't have strength to leave my room, i can't stand live in my house anymore, i can't talk to my mother after thinking through all of this might no even want to talk to my father, i got strength to start my college again in the same shit degree i was taking classes and might finish this shit, i don't really have plans for the future, i really think i'll die commiting suicide or because will become obese due stress of doing a shit that you hate.
Post thoughts:
Another thing that really bugs me out is the relationship i'm in i really don't know if i like her, i really don't feel like the last time i really don't feel that much the times i tried and she tried to break up we really didn't because i guess it's just comfy for me, it's really hard to say because we started to date when we where teenagers we always kinda change, but i don't know i feel like i changed who i'm really am for her and became another person, maybe someone who i don't entire like, but that comes back at my mind what if i really love her it might be not like the last time but it's been soo long will i only miss her when she left or will i be a happier person if she leave, the worst part about all this is, i CAN'T FUCKING think about it because i had so much more shit in my head, and i think if i get things going i probably get my mind on the other things and will never really think until something really happening....
GOD what should i do with my life i want just ahhhh for the fuckin sakes why i waste my tims i won't get your help with anything you only appear when i've already fucked up, why couldn't you act before the milk has been spilled ? Hã ? I jus want help hints a fuckin way it's not like i'm asking you to drop me on the finish line just to point the direction the race is going Ahhh For the fucking sake i'm talking to the fuckin blog asking help ahhhhh i give up on this shit well i guess i've update you pretty well a new low a fuckin teenager fase in my 22 years great i ahhh fuck it i think i will try to play something even if i don't want like i don't want watch anime series movies and nothing great i should just lay down and wait for my death...
